Schedule changes are scary

Knowing the underlying cause of a child’s distress can often be the key to choosing the right approach in dealing with them. There was a time when one of my kids was almost completely non-verbal and we were at a loss of how to deal with the constant tantrums and physical abuse being thrown our way. As fate would have it, it was at that time, that someone we knew was qualifying to become a behaviour specialist. That year, they needed a case study to showcase the effects of ABA intervention. They asked permission to use our child for their thesis. We agreed and made a deal that they would teach us ABA parenting too. This turned out brilliant for us, as anything we were taught was based off of the monitoring and examining of our own child’s behaviours.

If you are unfamiliar with ABA I would recommend you to research it. ABA says to observe a situation. Watch the negative behaviour and then work out what happened right before and also what result the behaviours achieved. Understanding the underlying reason for the behaviour is key. Once you know the reason, you can address the need the child is seeking before they act out, thus eliminating the outbursts.

I wouldn’t say that this is the answer to all your troubles. Probably far from it. It certainly wasn’t for me. However it did help a lot at the time and it changed the way I looked at my children’s outbursts. It actually helped me to be calmer when facing difficult situations so that is a great plus.

It isn’t always easy to understand what need is leading a child to act out. Especially when they are younger or non-communicative. It took years until I knew that going to a shop triggered my son due to the noise levels. But knowing the cause doesn’t always have to be the answer. I could clearly see that shopping was difficult for him. I didn’t need to know the exact reason in order to address this difficulty and help him.

The biggest help I have found, is to always tell my kids what is going to happen. It wouldn’t help to say, “we are going to the shops” and then proceed to go. It would have to be an advanced warning. I would tell them, “after lunch we are going to the shop”. As well as warning them in advance, distraction always helps. I would follow with, “if you want to take a toy with you, go and choose it now”. This takes the tension out of the stress the shopping causes as they will focus on the toy. It doesn’t however, eliminate the stress and of course they wouldn’t choose anything helpful. One kid would always take a fluffy teddy. That’s great, but I knew what he needed was headphones and loud private music. So of course I would take my own distractions with.

Pre-warning a child of what is to come is something I fell into doing almost by mistake. Although, it is recognised as a great parenting tactic, as often kids can be distressed at changes to a schedule. Back when I was a new mum and only had one child, my world revolved around him. I didn’t need to balance my time and could focus on him entirely. So I found myself scheduling my own life around his needs. Nap times, meal times, outings to the park etc. As he was my only child I could afford to do so. I have always talked to young children properly. I never did baby talk. Instead, I would talk to them and then answer for them too, holding complete one-sided conversations by myself, but aimed at them. As such, I would often be telling him what was happening or would be happening. For example, I would tell him we were finding our shoes so that we could go out. Then I would put on the shoes and explain to him where we were going and why. Even when shopping, I would tell him what I was picking up and why I was buying it.

Writing it now, I see it may sound a little strange to some. Certainly, looking back, it must have been weird to see a mum holding full conversations by herself, holding a child who couldn’t talk yet, in the middle of a shopping aisle. It was just my way. Luckily however, this turned out in my favour as it was easy to see how much calmer he was when I did talk to him. The distress shown at the unknown became minimal as I, by default, fell into pre-warning him in order to keep him calm. By the time my second came along, it had become habit to prewarn the children of everything going on around them.

I was speaking with a friend recently who was distressed that her young child always resisted her changing his clothes so strongly. I was recalling a similar situation with mine to her and she noted that I said I had told him we were getting changed. I had thought it normal but she said she had never thought to tell him. I suggested a short dialogue for her and to include a distraction he could play with. “We are going to get changed now, can you please hold this for mummy?” She tried it and was thrilled at how it worked.

Now some of my kids are older, I warn them further in advance and also talk through the situation with them. What will happen, how it will happen and I give them a chance to ask questions. The first time they went on a plane, I had told them a month in advance. Then I had reminded them closer to the time too. The first time I told them about it, we built a plane together from Magna tiles and used Happy land people to play out what would happen. They had tons of questions and enjoyed putting the people in the ‘seats’ and their bags under them.

For my kids at least, not knowing what to expect is scary. By pre-warning them and talking it through, it gives them the feeling of control when they get to ‘the scary place’ but they know what is happening. No-one wants to feel out of control. Giving that back to them helps to reassure and calm them in most situations.